bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
