when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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