I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I will be naked everywhere
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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