About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
