I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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