??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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