the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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