she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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