When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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