I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
