Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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