I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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