Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
