k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
