Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
