dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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