Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
