her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just pee around me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
