So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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