dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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