Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Someone shattered a urinal.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize