Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
