My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
