i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
