She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize