Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
