Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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