Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
