we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Someone stole a lamp last night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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