I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
