I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
