I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
