Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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