my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
