Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
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