I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
