During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
