Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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