Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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