we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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