he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
