Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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