I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I am available for nakedness
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
