when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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