Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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