I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
