i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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