I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
40s are totally the cure
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
