You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
