A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
