im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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