Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
