i was born a porn star she said
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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