listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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