I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
