Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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