The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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