New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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