Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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