Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Small penises have feelings too.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
