Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
